The Merry Springer show
by mohawk elf
Summary: Arwen goes on the MERRY SPRINGER show... to confront her boyfriend with cheating on her with a (dun dun dun) MARY SUE!
1. Merry Springer: A MarySue

{A/N: Humor, what would I do without humor? Hmm... maybe I'd have a life? This is a parody on both LOTR, Jerry Springer, and Mary-Sues. Flame me if you want but I'll just keep makin' em!}  
{Disclaimer: I don't own anything but my baby back ribs.}  
  
  
  


_~~~~~  
  
  
_

Announcer (otherwise known as the mouth of Sauron): On today's _Merry Springer_ show, we're going to deal with annoying relatives, school yard bullies, perfect little sluts, and overprotective relatives. Our first guest says that she is tired of Mary-Sues popping into Middle Earth and wreckin' her scene with her man, on a show we like to call I know who you are bitch, and I sure as hell ain't impressed.  
  
Audience: MERRY! MERRY!  
  
Merry: Our first guest today says that she is tired of Mary Sue butting into her relationship. [Merry looks up at the guest where she sits on stage. She is biting nervously at her lip.] Arwen, is it?  
  
[The girl nods]  
  
Arwen: Yes  
  
Merry: So tell us about your problem.  
  
Arwen: [Sniffles] Well it started about December of last year when LOTR came out. I lived a happy existence with my boyfriend in Middle Earth.  
  
Merry: [Hands her a tissue]  
  
Arwen: Thank you. [Blows her nose delicately] Well, now my boyfriend is getting followed by these girls, and they're so perfect... and-  
  
Merry: Arwen, she's a Mary-Sue, they're all perfect.  
  
Arwen: [shudders]  
  
Merry: So what are you here to tell us today?  
  
Arwen: I brought my boyfriend here to make him choose! HER or ME!  
  
Audience: [Cheers]  
  
Merry: Well, he's here. [Says loudly] Strider, come on out!  
  
[Strider comes out, looking nervous. He takes a seat beside Arwen and immediately takes her hand.]  
  
Audience: AWW!  
  
Merry: So Strider, Arwen has told us the problem... What would you like to say in your defense?  
  
Strider: [Looks shamefaced] Well, I admit it, I have been with the Mary-Sue, but the thing is, it's like I have no control. When she's around, it's like... somethings making me do this! [Looks to Arwen] But you know that I will always choose you, _melamim_.  
  
Arwen: [Looks pissed] The bitch has some super powers or some shit! She and the rest of her kind control my friends and family. The other day my father told me that I was a spoiled brat and that he wished was his daughter. Who the hell is that bitch? She just appeared out of nowhere!  
  
Merry: Wow, that's a real problem you've got. [Smiles mischievously] Well, you two have another problem... Mary-Sue is backstage.  
  
Audience: [Cheers]  
  
Arwen: [Gets a really evil expression]  
  
Merry: But that's _after_ the commercial break. Stick around.  
  
Announcer: What will Arwen do if confronted by her Mary-Sue arch nemesis?  
  
  
*Commercial Break*  
  
  
[Gandalf smiles into the camera, holding a pack of Depends®]  
  
Gandalf: When you're my age, you want to think about saving yourself embarrassment. We lose a little bit of our memory everyday, but no one wants to feel like they've forgotten to use the loo. Do yourself a favor, old man, wear _Depends_.  
  
[Gandalf smiles]  
  
Gandalf: And now, get all natural moss _Depends_. It gives you a woodsy feeling. Currently used by the King of Mirkwood. Tell em Gandalf sent you and get £1 off!  
  
*********  
  
Young She-Elf: Lady Galadriel, have you ever had that not-so-fresh feeling?  
  
Galadriel: [laughs] Why yes... But you should wash your #$@#! then! Now get out of my bird bath... I mean mirror!  
  
  
*Commercial Break*  
  
  
Audience: MERRY! MERRY! MERRY!  
  
Merry: Let's bring Mary-Sue out!  
  
Audience: BOO!  
  
[Mary-Sue comes out, her golden hair cascading around her slim and perfect figure. She wears the latest Elven fashion, a gorgeous blue gown, that matches the vibrant blue of her eyes. Her cheeks redden beautifully as she sits beside Strider, the picture of grace and charm]  
  
[Strider immediately looks away, his hand gripping Arwen's harder]  
  
Mary-Sue: Hi, Merry!  
  
[Merry tries not to gag] {A/N: In most stories, Hobbits are immune to MSs, although they like them as friends, etc.}  
  
Merry: Mary-Sue, why have you disrupted the relationship between Strider and Arwen?  
  
Audience: WHORE! WHORE! YOU'RE A WHORE! [chanting]  
  
[Mary-Sue's unbelievably wide eyes begin to mist. Fortunately the audience is filled mostly with Hobbits and Orcs that won't notice or care.]  
  
Mary-Sue: I did nothing. Strider loves me!  
  
[An Orc stands up, his head moving like a turkey as he talks]  
  
Orc: Bitch, you need to get a new weave!  
  
[Several Orcs high five the first Orc]  
  
Arwen: Yeah, and Strider loves ME, not you! You don't even belong in middle earth.  
  
[Mary-Sue stands]  
  
Mary-Sue: You're just jealous becau-  
  
[Arwen tackles Mary-Sue and begins punching her in the face]   
  
[Uruk-Hai security comes to break them up]  
  
[Audience cheers]  
  
Arwen: [Seated again, her lip curled in a snarl] Yeah, keep talkin' now that you have a split lip.  
  
Mary-Sue: Well, you can keep Strider, because I have Legolas! AND Legolas is cuter too!  
  
Merry: Doesn't it make you feel bad to toy with people's emotions? I mean, you don't even earn them the way you're supposed to. You appear and then everyone loves you. Don't you think it might be fake?  
  
Mary-Sue: [Frowns] I don't know what you mean.  
  
Merry: Let's take some questions from the audience. Yes, you sir.   
  
[Sam stands up]  
  
Sam: Yes, I have more of a comment than a question. Alls I know, sir, is that if someone were to come between me and my Mister Frodo, I don't know what I'd do! She should be hit in the face with a frying pan, as my Gaffer would say. DIE!!! [Seats himself calmly]  
  
Merry: [Laughs] Well that's telling the raunchy cow. And you, ma'am?  
  
[Haldir stands up, his face twisted into a grimace]  
  
Haldir: I'm not a girl!  
  
Merry: [snicker snicker] Sorry, _sir.  
_  
Haldir: Yes, I have a message from The Lady of the Wood'. She says: [unrolls parchment] Arwen, you better lay the smack down on that frumpy ass bitch, or I will.   
  
Mary-Sue: I haven't done a thing to ANY of yo-  
  
[Mary-Sue is interrupted by Arwen once again tackling her and punching her in the face]  
  
Arwen: DIE WHORE!  
  
[Strider cheers]  
  
Mary-Sue: HELP! LEGGY!  
  
[Legolas (who's in the audience) stands and begins to cheer]  
  
Legolas: My names not you cheap slut!  
  
[Uruk-Hai security let Arwen beat the girl up.]  
  
[Suddenly Arwen stands, wiping her bloody knuckles on Mary-Sue's ruined dress. Mary-Sue lays quite lifeless, her blue eyes wide and staring straight up.]  
  
Merry: Oops, I think you killed her... Tee hee!  
  
[Moment of silence reigns and then audience cheers]  
  
  
*Merry's Deep Thoughts*  
  
  
Merry: It's hard surviving, and sometimes it may be harder for most. Sometimes there are some people that live their entire life on easy street. Such is what we saw today. A deathless moron with a perfect face and body and a vacuous personality, gets to try and pop into Middle Earth and steal other people's lives, not to mention their spouses. Please remember that you are only responsible for the things that you do, and please, stop making Mary-Sues. Thank you and Valar bless.


	2. Merry Springer: ExoticGimli?

{A/N: Humor, what would I do without humor? Hmm... maybe I'd have a life? This is a parody on both LOTR, Jerry Springer, and Mary-Sues. I want to thank all the reviewers, you guys are awesome. Next episode will be about the obsessive relationships, MoonZappaLoveChild. Thank you guys for reviewing and any more suggestions are very welcome. This one might suck a lot because it was basically thrown together quickly.}  
{Disclaimer: I don't own anything but my baby back ribs.}  
  
  
  


_~~~~~  
  
  
_

Announcer (otherwise known as the mouth of Sauron): On today's _Merry Springer_ show, we're going to be dealing with people that have secrets to share with unsuspecting guests, on a little something we like to call The Doctor said the infection isn't infectious'!  
  
  
Audience: MERRY! MERRY!  
  
Merry: Our second guest today says he has a secret to tell his friend. But will this secret cause the end of the friendship? Legolas joins us today, from woodsy Mirkwood. Welcome to the Merry Springer show, Legolas.  
  
[Legolas waves]  
  
Legolas: Hey, Merry.  
  
Merry: Now what is your secret?  
  
Legolas: [Looks wary] Well, I've been disappearing a lot, and my friend always wonders what I'm doing, but I feel too ashamed to tell him.  
  
Merry: [Looks sympathetic] If you're really friends, nothing should stand between you.  
  
Legolas: Yes, I guess you're right, but he's terribly old fashioned...  
  
Merry: Well, what exactly is it, then?  
  
Legolas: Well, I'm an exotic dancer.  
  
Audience: [cat calls and gasps]  
  
[Legolas grins]  
  
Merry: Are you ready to see him then?  
  
Legolas: I guess soo.  
  
Merry: Gimli, come on out!  
  
[Gimli comes onto the stage, and he smiles at Merry and Legolas]  
  
Gimli: Hello Master Elf. Hey, Merry!  
  
Merry: A pleasure as always. Now let's get down to business. Legolas had brought you here because he has something to tell you.  
  
[Legolas turns in his seat to face Gimli]  
  
Merry: [interrupts] But we'll get to that _after _a commercial break!  
  
Audience: MERRY! MERRY!  
  
Announcer: Will Gimli understand his friends naughty nightlife? Find out...  
  
  
  
*Commercial Break*  
  
  
[Saruman stares at the camera for a moment, and his voice is booming]  
  
Saruman: Drawn to the dark side? Do you feel like you do not belong? Do your rotten teeth keep falling out?  
  
[Saruman hold up a tube of Uruk-ident]  
  
Saruman: Try Uruk-ident, to bring out the fighting Uruk-Hai in YOU! [smiles evilly] Also works for dentures and hemmorhoids!  
  
  
*********  
  
Rosie: In a man's world, us women need something to keep us feeling dry, fresh, and womanly. That's why I use Mosspax Tampons. They give me the secutiry I need, so that I don't bleed like a stuck pig everywhere I go. They feel so good, you'll wonder why Elves are following you.  
  
*Commercial Break*  
  
  
Audience: MERRY! MERRY! MERRY!  
  
Merry: Ok, Legolas...  
  
Legolas: Well, Gimli... I have something to tell you... I'm an exotic dancer.  
  
Gimli: [gasp] A what?  
  
Legolas: I'll show you.  
  
Merry: Put on some music.  
  
[Legolas stands and rips off his tunic and leggings, showing that he's wearing nothing but a g-string and the front is a pretty green leaf. He begins to dance to the music and goes into the audience and starts humping some Elf-girl audience member. She swoons]  
  
Audience: W00t! [cat calls]  
  
[Gimli is horrified]  
  
Merry: Well, Master Dwarf, what have you got to say to that?  
  
[Legolas reluctantly comes back on stage, and sits down again]  
  
Gimli: Well, I have something to say too...  
  
[Legolas turns to Gimli again]  
  
Gimli: I'm an exotic dancer too.  
  
[Audience is aghast]  
  
Merry: [mutters to stage hand] Shut off the music before he starts dancing, damn you!  
  
[Gimli stands up]  
  
Gimli: But mine is a bit more exotic.  
  
[Stage hands bring out a small kiddie pool filled with whip cream and fruits.]  
  
[To everyone's dismay he stips, showing his g-string (which looks 5 sizes too small, and as old as Valar) which has purple horseshoes on it. He climbs into the kiddie pool and starts rubbing food into his breasts]  
  
[Everyone stares]  
  
Gimli: OH YEAHH!  
  
Legolas: Oh my god, I'm going to be sick!  
  
Merry: [Looking a little green] How about some questions from the audience? How about you sir?  
  
Balrog: Well, as an exotic dancer myself, I have to say Legolas, you have a lot of promise. You just need to learn how to loosen up. White boys have no rhythm but you're almost there.  
  
Merry: Uh... [looks nervous] Thanks... How about you?   
  
Frodo: This is disgusting. What gives you the right to think that you could... Yuk, I mean, you're nasty!  
  
Audience: NASTY DWARF! NASTY DWARF!  
  
Gimli: [gets ghetto] I look better than you! [points to his whipped cream covered hairy chest] Look at this, I look good!  
  
Audience: NASTY DWARF!  
  
Gimli: YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOUR MAN LOVES MY BODY.   
  
Frodo: [gets up and has to be restrained by Sam] I'll kick your ass, bitch!  
  
[An Orc stands up]   
  
Orc: You're even uglier than WE are! [points to Gimli]  
  
Gimli: [sobbing]  
  
Merry: This is just f*cked up, man.  
  
  
  
*Merry's Deep Thoughts*  
  
  
Merry: Sometimes secrets are what stand in the way of something important, and all skeletons should be let out of the closet. But just sometimes, as we saw in the case of Gimli, some secrets should be kept. But it's what you do with your own secrets that will pave the future for you ultimately, and some people should do well to remember that. I know I'll remember the horrific images I've seen today, and so will our poor, traumatized studio audience. Thank you and Valar bless.


End file.
